well, it's been a very productive two weeks of "Repetition And Paper Assignments" from school. there's just something about designing alternative tools for clean development mechanism sustainability assessments that gives me the sudden urge to try to work out all the bass lines to the Toadies' entire "Rubberneck" album. and then chide myself for A.) blowing off my assignments to play guitar (what am i, an undergrad??), and B.) perpetually being into bands that broke up years ago.
but then i found out that the Toadies actually reunited a while back. even if my essay's not quite done, it's one less thing to feel bad about.
oh, plus i went to a barbecue last Sunday that involved a 3 year old kid running around screaming CHINKO!!!!!! (the Japanese equivalent of "pee-pee!") at the top of his lungs every 5 minutes, and a 30 year old guy drunkenly deciding to smear Blair's Sudden Death Hot Sauce on his nipple to see if it would hurt (it didn't, or so he said).
yeah, the fact that i'm a candidate for 2 master's degrees is utterly ridiculous.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
that's what's so illogical, about being a Smurf.
i teach English to people in their late 20s-late 30s at a few companies. one of them in particular is pretty anally retentive about making sure their employees learn to communicate. the other one... sincerely does not give a rat's ass what we do. the only catch that is the class is geared towards people who already have a semi-intermediate proficiency; apparently the priviledge of blowing off work for an hour and a half requires a TOEIC score of at least 550. occasionally i do a "real" lesson for them to keep up appearances. most of the time we just sit around and bullshit, and that seems to suit everyone just fine.
we talk about sci-fi movies a lot. everyone at this particular company has a weird semi-obsession with Dragonball (hey, it's an IT firm). anyway, we got to talking about Avatar, the new Alice 3-D movie, and the trend towards 3-D movies in general, and how people thought mainstream films with sound would never happen... and then how they thought films in colour would never happen... and then the conversion from film to video... but we all know how that turned out. so the question is, would the day come when 3-D is the norm?
as this is a pretty astute group of guys, one of them very astutely pointed out that the genre that carries innovation to the mainstream... tends to be porn. this realisation, of course generated endless giggles from these 32-year old high school boys about how cool 3-D porn would be.
maybe i've been teaching in this kind of atmosphere for too long. it occurs to me, on occasion, that i could have all their asses handed to them in a sexual harassment suit if this class took place in the US. but the only reaction that even remotely registered was "well i just don't think porn has the budget for 3-D..."
if they want to watch (3-D?) porn and talk about it in class, that's all well and great to me. as long as they're using english. i just find the whole institution so illogical. i mean... let's say you're hungry and don't have any food. aaaannndd, for whatever reason, food is not available to you at that certain point in time. if you can't eat, why the hell are you going to pop in a DVD and watch other people eat??? or open up a magazine or internet site and look at pictures of food?
anyway, that was the bit of the Tao of Chris that my pervy students enjoyed last Monday. not that they registered a word of it, since they were all too busy contemplating the idea of 3-D porn. and probably Dragonball.
we talk about sci-fi movies a lot. everyone at this particular company has a weird semi-obsession with Dragonball (hey, it's an IT firm). anyway, we got to talking about Avatar, the new Alice 3-D movie, and the trend towards 3-D movies in general, and how people thought mainstream films with sound would never happen... and then how they thought films in colour would never happen... and then the conversion from film to video... but we all know how that turned out. so the question is, would the day come when 3-D is the norm?
as this is a pretty astute group of guys, one of them very astutely pointed out that the genre that carries innovation to the mainstream... tends to be porn. this realisation, of course generated endless giggles from these 32-year old high school boys about how cool 3-D porn would be.
maybe i've been teaching in this kind of atmosphere for too long. it occurs to me, on occasion, that i could have all their asses handed to them in a sexual harassment suit if this class took place in the US. but the only reaction that even remotely registered was "well i just don't think porn has the budget for 3-D..."
if they want to watch (3-D?) porn and talk about it in class, that's all well and great to me. as long as they're using english. i just find the whole institution so illogical. i mean... let's say you're hungry and don't have any food. aaaannndd, for whatever reason, food is not available to you at that certain point in time. if you can't eat, why the hell are you going to pop in a DVD and watch other people eat??? or open up a magazine or internet site and look at pictures of food?
anyway, that was the bit of the Tao of Chris that my pervy students enjoyed last Monday. not that they registered a word of it, since they were all too busy contemplating the idea of 3-D porn. and probably Dragonball.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Oita Kotsu is a jerky, jerking, jerkfaced, stupid mean bus company.
since my usual carpool buddy is enjoying her public holiday, i decided to be eco-ma-logical and take the train and the bus to school. also, one of these days parking in Visitor is going to cost me my scholarship, my firstborn child and perhaps even my mortal soul.
(completely irrelevant side note: my classmates are at the moment analyzing the correlation between one's creepiness and thickness of moustache.)
anyway, i left at a very reasonable time and took the perfectly nice and punctual train from Oita to Kamegawa. about 10 or 15 others got off the train with me to catch the bus to the university. we arrived at the stop and...
the driver made a little shit-eating grin of glee as he stepped on the accelerator, leaving us in a cloud of diesel exhaust. there must have been about 5 people on the bus who couldn't possibly wait 30 seconds for us to board.
everyone started messaging on their cell phones, informing their classmates or coworkers that they would be a bit late. not by much though, as another bus was coming in 5 minutes...
the 8:45 pulled into the stop, let off one passenger, and...
"[static and snigger] sorry, the bus is full so we can't pick you up. You'll never get to school on time, DICKHEADS!! AHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"
The young (British? Aussie? Kiwi?) professor hailed a taxi. the rest of us poor bastards not getting paid to be at our destinations swore under our breaths.
now, if it were just me getting dicked over by the bus it would be an unfortunate bout of bad luck. and a shitty start to the day. but no, it was a good 12-ish people who would be late to work or school because of this infernally atrocious excuse for a god-awful bus company. and the real kicker here is the bus line is actually losing money through these stupidly inefficient schedules and failure to coordinate with the much more reliable train schedule. so i can only conclude that:
1.) Oita Kotsu has a virtual monopoly on transport from the city centre to the university, and therefore can get away with charging extortionist prices for absolutely shite service, and
2.) the staff gets a genuine kick out of fucking around anyone affiliated with their biggest customer.
seriously, this is why people give up on public transport and use combustion engines with something like 30% efficiency to get to wherever it is they want to go and kill the earth. which is why Oita Kotsu bus is a jerky jerking jerkface stupid mean bus company.
(completely irrelevant side note: my classmates are at the moment analyzing the correlation between one's creepiness and thickness of moustache.)
anyway, i left at a very reasonable time and took the perfectly nice and punctual train from Oita to Kamegawa. about 10 or 15 others got off the train with me to catch the bus to the university. we arrived at the stop and...
the driver made a little shit-eating grin of glee as he stepped on the accelerator, leaving us in a cloud of diesel exhaust. there must have been about 5 people on the bus who couldn't possibly wait 30 seconds for us to board.
everyone started messaging on their cell phones, informing their classmates or coworkers that they would be a bit late. not by much though, as another bus was coming in 5 minutes...
the 8:45 pulled into the stop, let off one passenger, and...
"[static and snigger] sorry, the bus is full so we can't pick you up. You'll never get to school on time, DICKHEADS!! AHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"
The young (British? Aussie? Kiwi?) professor hailed a taxi. the rest of us poor bastards not getting paid to be at our destinations swore under our breaths.
now, if it were just me getting dicked over by the bus it would be an unfortunate bout of bad luck. and a shitty start to the day. but no, it was a good 12-ish people who would be late to work or school because of this infernally atrocious excuse for a god-awful bus company. and the real kicker here is the bus line is actually losing money through these stupidly inefficient schedules and failure to coordinate with the much more reliable train schedule. so i can only conclude that:
1.) Oita Kotsu has a virtual monopoly on transport from the city centre to the university, and therefore can get away with charging extortionist prices for absolutely shite service, and
2.) the staff gets a genuine kick out of fucking around anyone affiliated with their biggest customer.
seriously, this is why people give up on public transport and use combustion engines with something like 30% efficiency to get to wherever it is they want to go and kill the earth. which is why Oita Kotsu bus is a jerky jerking jerkface stupid mean bus company.
Friday, April 16, 2010
special chicken
first week, second semester, first year of grad school. maybe i was just out of practice, but it was rather gruelling. and considering i have a presentation on Monday, the slides for which i have to e-mail to our professor tomorrow(yeah, Saturday), it never stops. sometimes i think there's absolutely no point in being relieved over finishing whatever project/report/position paper/ presentation/essay/ whatever damned thing, because another one is coming in 2 minutes like the Tokyo subway.
however, this week's highlights are:
Tuesday: having completed my position paper Monday night, i was able to play bass and drink at Johnny Salaryman's friend's mom's house. for some reason i was under the impression that it was his dead grandma's abandoned house in the middle of nowhere, but it was very much inhabited. as it's a typically tight Japanese neighborhood, i wonder what the neighbors must think. who knows, maybe they enjoy it. that was my first time playing bass with real people, as opposed to the Pixies on ipod. good times.
Thursday Highlight was this conversation with my classmates at lunch:
Zhang: Fran, try this chicken.
Fran: No.
Zhang: Chris, try this chicken. it's special.
Me: why is it special?
Zhang: ....... because i made it.
Me: (eats the chicken piece) .... yeah, you're right. it is special chicken.
Friday:
class and i played the UN at the COP15 (Copenhagen conference). we probably got more done in 2 hours than the heads of state finished in however long the real one took. oh, and since i was the IPCC, i got to wear a cool lab coat:
woooooo.
that's all.
however, this week's highlights are:
Tuesday: having completed my position paper Monday night, i was able to play bass and drink at Johnny Salaryman's friend's mom's house. for some reason i was under the impression that it was his dead grandma's abandoned house in the middle of nowhere, but it was very much inhabited. as it's a typically tight Japanese neighborhood, i wonder what the neighbors must think. who knows, maybe they enjoy it. that was my first time playing bass with real people, as opposed to the Pixies on ipod. good times.
Thursday Highlight was this conversation with my classmates at lunch:
Zhang: Fran, try this chicken.
Fran: No.
Zhang: Chris, try this chicken. it's special.
Me: why is it special?
Zhang: ....... because i made it.
Me: (eats the chicken piece) .... yeah, you're right. it is special chicken.
Friday:
class and i played the UN at the COP15 (Copenhagen conference). we probably got more done in 2 hours than the heads of state finished in however long the real one took. oh, and since i was the IPCC, i got to wear a cool lab coat:
woooooo.that's all.
Friday, April 09, 2010
back to school, to prove to Dad that i'm not a fool
so i was at the library today attempting to read about incandescent lightbulb replacement projects in India, when i was very rudely interrupted by the high-pitched staccato sound of Japanese office lady chatter.
in the APU library, there are signs on every wall, in multiple languages, that clearly state
NO TALKING
NO EATING AND DRINKING THE FOODS [sic]
DO NOT LEAVE UNATTENDED THE BELONGINGS [sic]
after about 30 seconds of annoyance bordering on uncalled for anger, i pulled up iTunes and put on Crystal Castles. problem solved.
at noon i packed up my stuff and started heading down the stairs. "Johnny Salaryman" called to see if i was ready for lunch. i answered and barely whispered "moshi moshi, toshokan ni iru, chotto matte ne?" (hey dude, i'm in the library, hold on a second)
and then some jerkface in a red jacket chided me for using a cell phone in the library. the office ladies were still talking.
wtf.
in the APU library, there are signs on every wall, in multiple languages, that clearly state
NO TALKING
NO EATING AND DRINKING THE FOODS [sic]
DO NOT LEAVE UNATTENDED THE BELONGINGS [sic]
after about 30 seconds of annoyance bordering on uncalled for anger, i pulled up iTunes and put on Crystal Castles. problem solved.
at noon i packed up my stuff and started heading down the stairs. "Johnny Salaryman" called to see if i was ready for lunch. i answered and barely whispered "moshi moshi, toshokan ni iru, chotto matte ne?" (hey dude, i'm in the library, hold on a second)
and then some jerkface in a red jacket chided me for using a cell phone in the library. the office ladies were still talking.
wtf.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
hisashiburi
after a really tedious password recovery process... i decided to start blogging again.
yes, just in case you missed my e.e. cummings-esque distaste for capital letters, it's back.
unfortunately i won't have any travel stories for a while since i'm now a slave to IMAT, but i think my musings on cap and trade agreements, Yakushima, embarassing Japanese linguistic fuckups, my attempts at learning bass guitar, the antics of my cats, the endless array of colorful characters of the Miyakomachi drinking district, and general forays into insanity should be stimulating enough.
yes, just in case you missed my e.e. cummings-esque distaste for capital letters, it's back.
unfortunately i won't have any travel stories for a while since i'm now a slave to IMAT, but i think my musings on cap and trade agreements, Yakushima, embarassing Japanese linguistic fuckups, my attempts at learning bass guitar, the antics of my cats, the endless array of colorful characters of the Miyakomachi drinking district, and general forays into insanity should be stimulating enough.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
roman candles in Porno Park
*names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent alike.
we decided that the other side of the dry-grassy park, the shady side with the concrete benches, would be a better place to take our party, out of the skin-charring sun. we gingerly took our 1400yen Home Wide special grill to the other side and set down all of the barbecue equipment, tennis balls, hula hoops, food and
"HAHAHA you guys look behind this bench! they've got porn!" we checked inside the box. "only chicks though. plus the DVD itself's gone."
in the tradition of *Melvin and Brendan naming Osaka parks after the activities that go on there (e.g. Blowjob Park and Sex Park), we dubbed the abandoned grassy area with its odd cylindrical sculptures with decades-abandoned colorful paint, Porno Park.
i hadn't played catch or used a hula hoop in 10 or maybe even 15 years, easily. but we brought them out for the day to try our luck through the haze of our hangovers.
we'd decided on this barbecue in a rather drunken state the night before; in fact i had to call Melvin in the morning and ask "so did i drunkenly hallucinate this, or is this barbecue thing really happening?" and it was. damn it to hell, it was even though the 1400yen Home Wide special grill and the mokutan charcoal that Mika, Hiro and Kenji had made me ask the saleslady for to practice my Japanese, wasn't taking to fire so well.
"Kenji, leave the grill alone! it'll heat up if you just leave it alone!" Linda let out a sigh of exasperation mixed with amusement at her new pyromaniacal friend. Kenji pretended not to understand and continued poking at the charcoals.
a cargo barge glided into the nearby harbor. "ooh" i hope it's Russians! hello, Russians!" Melvin waved to the boat. this degenerated into our bizarre habit of impersonating Russian lesbians from the TaTu song we're so fond of singing at karaoke.
the conversation veered to sex, as it often does. "you know..." Skywalker mused. "when you shave your nuts in the summer... there's nothing like it." in our loopy starving and hangover-cured-by-more alcohol states, this was hilarious. it still is.
the inevitable "i have never" drinking games commenced. the guy from the karaoke place the night before seriously creeped us the hell out. he hasn't called me again. thank god.
i plucked away at my guitar while Kenji talked on the phone to his girlfriend please don't stop being my friend i have obligations to her, you understand?. fireworks shot off in the distance, legit ones ignited by the city. i continued plucking and strumming, what else could i do while i was forced to disvow all of the knowing gazes and conversations of the past month...
when he finally hung up the phone, he sat down next to me.
"genki?" am i fine? for fuck's sake i have feelings for you, you know this, and yet you have "obligations" she's an angel with a harp and a halo well i have a sparkler and a guitar how's that? what the fuck do you think?
i smiled my best rueful smile. "mochiron, Ken-kun. why wouldn't i be?"
i sang the song i'd written in honor of Skywalker's departure. it was well-received by the departing one. it occurred to me at some point that this was the first time i'd be saying goodbye to someone who'd been with me for The Duration......
when the city fireworks ended, we lit sparklers and roman candles, the kind to which Kerouac likened the Mad Ones, the Mad Ones he loved and cherished so much the way i do.
i felt elated. i felt like shit. i felt alive. i raised my roman candle to the sky. "i'm the Statue of Fuckin' Liberty!"
eventually we attracted the attention of the police. they told us sparklers were ok, but not roman candles or anything that made a noise. whatever. we'd burned all the roman candles anyway.
we decided that the other side of the dry-grassy park, the shady side with the concrete benches, would be a better place to take our party, out of the skin-charring sun. we gingerly took our 1400yen Home Wide special grill to the other side and set down all of the barbecue equipment, tennis balls, hula hoops, food and
"HAHAHA you guys look behind this bench! they've got porn!" we checked inside the box. "only chicks though. plus the DVD itself's gone."
in the tradition of *Melvin and Brendan naming Osaka parks after the activities that go on there (e.g. Blowjob Park and Sex Park), we dubbed the abandoned grassy area with its odd cylindrical sculptures with decades-abandoned colorful paint, Porno Park.
i hadn't played catch or used a hula hoop in 10 or maybe even 15 years, easily. but we brought them out for the day to try our luck through the haze of our hangovers.
we'd decided on this barbecue in a rather drunken state the night before; in fact i had to call Melvin in the morning and ask "so did i drunkenly hallucinate this, or is this barbecue thing really happening?" and it was. damn it to hell, it was even though the 1400yen Home Wide special grill and the mokutan charcoal that Mika, Hiro and Kenji had made me ask the saleslady for to practice my Japanese, wasn't taking to fire so well.
"Kenji, leave the grill alone! it'll heat up if you just leave it alone!" Linda let out a sigh of exasperation mixed with amusement at her new pyromaniacal friend. Kenji pretended not to understand and continued poking at the charcoals.
a cargo barge glided into the nearby harbor. "ooh" i hope it's Russians! hello, Russians!" Melvin waved to the boat. this degenerated into our bizarre habit of impersonating Russian lesbians from the TaTu song we're so fond of singing at karaoke.
the conversation veered to sex, as it often does. "you know..." Skywalker mused. "when you shave your nuts in the summer... there's nothing like it." in our loopy starving and hangover-cured-by-more alcohol states, this was hilarious. it still is.
the inevitable "i have never" drinking games commenced. the guy from the karaoke place the night before seriously creeped us the hell out. he hasn't called me again. thank god.
i plucked away at my guitar while Kenji talked on the phone to his girlfriend please don't stop being my friend i have obligations to her, you understand?. fireworks shot off in the distance, legit ones ignited by the city. i continued plucking and strumming, what else could i do while i was forced to disvow all of the knowing gazes and conversations of the past month...
when he finally hung up the phone, he sat down next to me.
"genki?" am i fine? for fuck's sake i have feelings for you, you know this, and yet you have "obligations" she's an angel with a harp and a halo well i have a sparkler and a guitar how's that? what the fuck do you think?
i smiled my best rueful smile. "mochiron, Ken-kun. why wouldn't i be?"
i sang the song i'd written in honor of Skywalker's departure. it was well-received by the departing one. it occurred to me at some point that this was the first time i'd be saying goodbye to someone who'd been with me for The Duration......
when the city fireworks ended, we lit sparklers and roman candles, the kind to which Kerouac likened the Mad Ones, the Mad Ones he loved and cherished so much the way i do.
i felt elated. i felt like shit. i felt alive. i raised my roman candle to the sky. "i'm the Statue of Fuckin' Liberty!"
eventually we attracted the attention of the police. they told us sparklers were ok, but not roman candles or anything that made a noise. whatever. we'd burned all the roman candles anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
