persona and poseurism

after the initial 6 months of hell, the English teaching gig gets pretty easy. mind-numbingly so. i can recycle my old lessons again, moments of silence don't freak me out as if class is a dead party i'm hosting, and i've learned how to effectively pretend to give a flying ratsass when a supervisor calls to harp on about textbook sales or other such profit whorey crap. my job does not fall into the "stressful" category.

but for some reason i end some days completely exhausted. am i getting bored with my own lessons? perhaps. am i tired of making money for a company that's going to run itself into the ground within the next 5 years out of sheer idiocy no matter what i do? HELL yes. that's a big reason why it gets to me, but it's not the main one. and i think i may have stumbled on a big clue this week.

almost any job requires a certain degree of falsity, of projecting an image of "professionalism" that runs so incongruently with who you really are, of being a purveyor of utter complete bullshit. that is one of the world's only immutable truths. but eikaiwa teaching takes that bullshitting to a whole new level, because you have to somehow learn to integrate it with truth. see, companies and schools want "professionalism." but we as teachers have to pander to the students. and most of them want something completely different. some of them want a drinking buddy, some want a drill sergeant. some want a performing monkey, others want a therapist. they want a relaxed atmosphere, but we have to give it to them in a cookie cutter Ikea edifice that looks like a combination of a Starbucks and a sanitarium.

on wednesdays i teach a girl named Asami who goes to the university here in Beppu. she's almost like a little sister to me; we've had some good conversations despite her relatively low speaking level. i told her that i sing angry, loud shit at karaoke. "oh, no Chris-sensei! my image is you dress in beautiful clothes and rike quiet kurassikaru (classical) music." i laughed and told her that, no, actually i like to wear ripped jeans and ratty thrift store t-shirts and sing "Zero" by the Smashing Pumpkins at karaoke. but nonetheless, she'd bought the bullshit. hook, line and sinker.

compare that with Shin, another uni student i teach on Saturdays. he's not so much a student as a drinking buddy (which is totally allowed, even encouraged, in my company). he probably learns more English by coming out and drinking with the foreigners than he ever would in my class. that's probably why most days he doesn't come to class, he simply sends me a text message that says "not coming to class. hangover. wanna drink later?" and that would be his real lesson.

but he actually showed up last Saturday. i went through all the motions, all that communicative method crap that i slavishly adhere to because it's my job, but the whole time i was thinking... "dude. Shin once made sure i didn't puke on my own shoes after we bombed a few Jaegermeisters at Uotami. and here i am, pretending to be a teacher or something. what a goddamn joke."

and the crazy thing is, i'd probably teach better and my students would learn more if i could just cut the whole "professional" bullshit and have fun with them. and you know what else? i guess being All Things to All People can be pretty stressful after all.