so i was in a coffee shop today trying to study some Japanese when a few foreigners came in. i pretended to be too engrossed in my studies to be friendly and social with them.... it's not that i hate other foreigners (what the hell is that phenomenon anyway? it's got to be some form of Stockholm Syndrome or something), it's just that i don't want to make that same awkward, stupid conversation that you're always forced to make (are you a student? what program are you with? where are you from? how long have you been here? how's your Japanese? you think you're SO fucking special in the words of Thom Yorke, don't you). so i avoid any kind of random foreigner contact at all costs. nothing personal.
but anyway the girl talking.... she had one of those voices that just carries, and i'm sure her conversation was immensely fascinating to the person she was talking to, but i just wanted her to shut the fuck up as soon as possible. while i'm doing my damndest to understand the language that's usually going on around me, i still have the luxury of tuning it out when i want to hear things but don't feel like listening. but the sound of random English is like an aural train wreck. particularly when the word "like" is spoken about 3 times per sentence.
i wonder if i sound that stupid when i'm talking. probably.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Sunday, May 06, 2007
My 5 Minutes as God
4/29
today i just watched a butterfly take what may well have been its first flight. it was in a sewage gutter, it had black wings that shone an almost iridescent blue, and it looked like the most delicate black paper fan. as i watched it struggle to unstick its feet from the concrete and fight the wind that flattened its wings to the ground, i wanted so badly to pick it up and throw it into the wind. but i knew that, A. i might crush its delicate body. and more importantly, B. if it got to the air by some other force beside itself, it may not have the strength to stay airborne, and the impact when it finally hit the ground again would liquefy it.
so i watched it fight and struggle for however long i did. no doubt the old ladies at the fruit market down the street were wondering why this hen na gaijin was staring into a sewage ditch. i stayed there also to guard agains the cars on that narrow street; they would swerve for a human (however eccentric) but not for an invisible black paper fan on the ground.
and finally-- liftoff!! i gasped as the black paper fan with its blue iridescent wings floated up and down but steadily higher until she perched safely in a cedar tree, no doubt exhausted.
as i walked away, i wondered why people need presence of some personified God in their lives when there is so much divinity in the world in itself.
today i just watched a butterfly take what may well have been its first flight. it was in a sewage gutter, it had black wings that shone an almost iridescent blue, and it looked like the most delicate black paper fan. as i watched it struggle to unstick its feet from the concrete and fight the wind that flattened its wings to the ground, i wanted so badly to pick it up and throw it into the wind. but i knew that, A. i might crush its delicate body. and more importantly, B. if it got to the air by some other force beside itself, it may not have the strength to stay airborne, and the impact when it finally hit the ground again would liquefy it.
so i watched it fight and struggle for however long i did. no doubt the old ladies at the fruit market down the street were wondering why this hen na gaijin was staring into a sewage ditch. i stayed there also to guard agains the cars on that narrow street; they would swerve for a human (however eccentric) but not for an invisible black paper fan on the ground.
and finally-- liftoff!! i gasped as the black paper fan with its blue iridescent wings floated up and down but steadily higher until she perched safely in a cedar tree, no doubt exhausted.
as i walked away, i wondered why people need presence of some personified God in their lives when there is so much divinity in the world in itself.
the Bored on the Train diaries
i started a new job in February. it took me to many out-of the way locales that kind of require a car.... which i didn't have for 2 months. to avert the boredom and loneliness of waiting for and riding on public transit, i bought a little notebook and wrote in a very roundabout stream-of-consciousness sort of way. this is an account of what i wrote.
i like to sit across from people on the train who try to look at everything individually as it all goes flying by, knowing full well it's an exercise in futility. i like watching them because their eyes twitch and they look like they're about to have a seizure, or their brains are reacting to their own recent discovery of the nature of the universe.
it's also really funny to go into a big department store and watch girls tug their boyfriends around by the elbow like pets. granted i am a girl, but i could never figure out why they do that. exercising power, perhaps?
it's weird how i feel this need to do EVERYTHING right now--like get working on my novella again, get the new job up and running smoothly, AND alleviate the boredom that has hit me recently (how can i be bored when i don't even have time to stop and look at shit?) nope, can't stick to one thing. gotta do everything. precisely why i get nothing done, ever.
Weirdest Metal Show Ever
only in Japan can one attend a metal show entitled "New Wave Heavy Metal" which is actually quite old-school, and see everyone actually sitting on their asses while the leather-trenchcoat clad lead singer is all.... into it and doesn't seem to care that the audience is absolutely LIFELESS. after 2 pints of Guiness i really can no longer express the weirdness into words. there were lots of people there with no business being there at all, just like me. random.
St Patrick's Day
fuck, it's St. Patrick's Day and everyone's flaking out on me. ost important festival of the year, and once again--i want to do something and no one else wants to. shit. oh well, Selector it is. probably alone.
(note: this actually turned out to be quite a lovely night. ;) )
I ALWAYS miss the goddamn train. always.
I miss Vics. she was the Dean Moriarty to my Sal Paradise, my partner in crime. i need a partner in crime, preferably a girl, to get into random hijinx with. boys are good for shenanigans, but not so much the hijinx.
i want to get 2 cats, and name one of them Hijinx and the other one Shenanigans.
3/21 Equinox
i just went to my kindergarten to find that there is no school and i could have just stayed in bed. somehow i'm not extraordinarily pissed by this. maybe it's that element of pleasant surprise, like waking up on the day of a Buffalo snowstorm to find that school has been cancelled, and feeling that sweet release that only a snow day can bring. fuck orgasms, fuck booze and weed, that snow day surprise is the best feeling in the world.
today's the day of the Equinox, when supposedly you can balance an egg on its head and the weather will magically change to spring and people will pull out their blue tarpaulin, some with Rikka Bear of Doraemon, and pour sake down their throats under the delicate sakura. in Buffalo, the Equinox meant nothing, winter would potentially last another 2 months if it felt like it. St Patrick's Day was the beginning of the end, nothing more.
but anyway i say all this because, while it may be the celestial first day of spring, the air is still so wintry and clear. you can't see the mountains in the spring and summer haze, but today both Beppu Bay that draws from the Pacific and the snow on Mt Tsurumi (an active volcano) is clearly visible. always the unanswerable question, mountains or sea? mountains isolate, but the sea can be a gateway. it was for hundreds of years here. that's why Oita has more connection to Shikoku over the sea than Fukuoka over the mountains.
i'm rambling. definitely rambling. when is the train coming?
3/22 I am certifiably insane.
today (last night? this morning?) marked the 2nd time this week i've taken the early train back to Beppu from Oita after an all-night bender. maybe that intention thing is true--i was feeling bored and in a social rut, i broke out of my Lost and Heroes at Luke's comfort zone and ROCKED OUT last night. and, it turns out that, yes, i will dance with Abandon, that dashing fellow that he is, if given the right crowd and the right music. 6 tequila and tonics don't hurt either.
and...... i'm feeling the dopamine rush of a crush on someone who is leaving the prefecture next week. sigh.... at least he's only going to Kitakyushu. but still.....
3/29
it's always funny to see Japanese tourists in Beppu. it makes me contemplate which one of us is the outsider and which of us is the one at home, in their element.
4/2 the "i am a shit teacher" worries are hitting again. ugh. oh well. can't make everyone happy.
the air isn't clear anymore. and i miss him.
4/6 Driver's Test
taking the driver's test again. just another step in the process. life is a process. "the process," Mr Reichard was fond of saying. he was a fantastic music teacher. i wonder if he's still alive.
life is a process with only one possible result, regardless of what happens along the way. kind of renders the quest for results completely meaningless. it's a concept you hear about constantly, but it's hard to drill into your head.
3:00pm I PASSED!!!!!! Holy shit almighty i fucking passed!!!!!!!
now that was a weird Zen ego-death experience. i surrendered all desire to pass the test; i was just driving a car. it was me, the car and the imaginary people on the road. yosh. yosh. yosh. i think i might have to write a 2nd movement to my "Fuck You Driving Center" song. thanking them for the Zen Ego Death Experience.
4/23 Kids
they drove me seriously nuts today. but at the same time, i kinda feel bad for them. my class is just another thing their parents force them to do and, I have to cater to the parents' wants and wishes for their kids to "get ahead." to be the best. dog eat dog.
i wish i could just play and get them excited about English, learning, about life. instead of just becoming mindless drones who have had all wonder, love of learning and discovery systematically and purposefully beaten out of them.
i can remember being that age. even though i was a "good student," i resented teachers for forcing their "knowledge" down my throat. i don't want to be that person.
and why is it so damn important for these kids to be better than everyone, to get the edge? why isn't it good enough for them to just be children, and for people to just be?
i like to sit across from people on the train who try to look at everything individually as it all goes flying by, knowing full well it's an exercise in futility. i like watching them because their eyes twitch and they look like they're about to have a seizure, or their brains are reacting to their own recent discovery of the nature of the universe.
it's also really funny to go into a big department store and watch girls tug their boyfriends around by the elbow like pets. granted i am a girl, but i could never figure out why they do that. exercising power, perhaps?
it's weird how i feel this need to do EVERYTHING right now--like get working on my novella again, get the new job up and running smoothly, AND alleviate the boredom that has hit me recently (how can i be bored when i don't even have time to stop and look at shit?) nope, can't stick to one thing. gotta do everything. precisely why i get nothing done, ever.
Weirdest Metal Show Ever
only in Japan can one attend a metal show entitled "New Wave Heavy Metal" which is actually quite old-school, and see everyone actually sitting on their asses while the leather-trenchcoat clad lead singer is all.... into it and doesn't seem to care that the audience is absolutely LIFELESS. after 2 pints of Guiness i really can no longer express the weirdness into words. there were lots of people there with no business being there at all, just like me. random.
St Patrick's Day
fuck, it's St. Patrick's Day and everyone's flaking out on me. ost important festival of the year, and once again--i want to do something and no one else wants to. shit. oh well, Selector it is. probably alone.
(note: this actually turned out to be quite a lovely night. ;) )
I ALWAYS miss the goddamn train. always.
I miss Vics. she was the Dean Moriarty to my Sal Paradise, my partner in crime. i need a partner in crime, preferably a girl, to get into random hijinx with. boys are good for shenanigans, but not so much the hijinx.
i want to get 2 cats, and name one of them Hijinx and the other one Shenanigans.
3/21 Equinox
i just went to my kindergarten to find that there is no school and i could have just stayed in bed. somehow i'm not extraordinarily pissed by this. maybe it's that element of pleasant surprise, like waking up on the day of a Buffalo snowstorm to find that school has been cancelled, and feeling that sweet release that only a snow day can bring. fuck orgasms, fuck booze and weed, that snow day surprise is the best feeling in the world.
today's the day of the Equinox, when supposedly you can balance an egg on its head and the weather will magically change to spring and people will pull out their blue tarpaulin, some with Rikka Bear of Doraemon, and pour sake down their throats under the delicate sakura. in Buffalo, the Equinox meant nothing, winter would potentially last another 2 months if it felt like it. St Patrick's Day was the beginning of the end, nothing more.
but anyway i say all this because, while it may be the celestial first day of spring, the air is still so wintry and clear. you can't see the mountains in the spring and summer haze, but today both Beppu Bay that draws from the Pacific and the snow on Mt Tsurumi (an active volcano) is clearly visible. always the unanswerable question, mountains or sea? mountains isolate, but the sea can be a gateway. it was for hundreds of years here. that's why Oita has more connection to Shikoku over the sea than Fukuoka over the mountains.
i'm rambling. definitely rambling. when is the train coming?
3/22 I am certifiably insane.
today (last night? this morning?) marked the 2nd time this week i've taken the early train back to Beppu from Oita after an all-night bender. maybe that intention thing is true--i was feeling bored and in a social rut, i broke out of my Lost and Heroes at Luke's comfort zone and ROCKED OUT last night. and, it turns out that, yes, i will dance with Abandon, that dashing fellow that he is, if given the right crowd and the right music. 6 tequila and tonics don't hurt either.
and...... i'm feeling the dopamine rush of a crush on someone who is leaving the prefecture next week. sigh.... at least he's only going to Kitakyushu. but still.....
3/29
it's always funny to see Japanese tourists in Beppu. it makes me contemplate which one of us is the outsider and which of us is the one at home, in their element.
4/2 the "i am a shit teacher" worries are hitting again. ugh. oh well. can't make everyone happy.
the air isn't clear anymore. and i miss him.
4/6 Driver's Test
taking the driver's test again. just another step in the process. life is a process. "the process," Mr Reichard was fond of saying. he was a fantastic music teacher. i wonder if he's still alive.
life is a process with only one possible result, regardless of what happens along the way. kind of renders the quest for results completely meaningless. it's a concept you hear about constantly, but it's hard to drill into your head.
3:00pm I PASSED!!!!!! Holy shit almighty i fucking passed!!!!!!!
now that was a weird Zen ego-death experience. i surrendered all desire to pass the test; i was just driving a car. it was me, the car and the imaginary people on the road. yosh. yosh. yosh. i think i might have to write a 2nd movement to my "Fuck You Driving Center" song. thanking them for the Zen Ego Death Experience.
4/23 Kids
they drove me seriously nuts today. but at the same time, i kinda feel bad for them. my class is just another thing their parents force them to do and, I have to cater to the parents' wants and wishes for their kids to "get ahead." to be the best. dog eat dog.
i wish i could just play and get them excited about English, learning, about life. instead of just becoming mindless drones who have had all wonder, love of learning and discovery systematically and purposefully beaten out of them.
i can remember being that age. even though i was a "good student," i resented teachers for forcing their "knowledge" down my throat. i don't want to be that person.
and why is it so damn important for these kids to be better than everyone, to get the edge? why isn't it good enough for them to just be children, and for people to just be?
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